10 August 2012
I'm broken, like one of those toys your toddler has and breaks into a million pieces within hours of receiving said toy. And now, I feel like I've been tossed on the floor with the rest of your broken toys you don't have any use for anymore. But my heart, oh yes, that's still fully in tact, just suffering from a knife straight through it, like a dart through a water balloon. It continues to beat, attached to a life support set up system, barely holding on anymore.
I wonder to myself whether or not this is even worth it anymore; whether or not I should allow myself to let you break me down like you do so well. You know full well that I'm so vulnerable, with the rest of my world literally crashing down around be every second, yet you still take advantage of every single ounce of my vulnerability. The fact that we've been such good friends, so close all of these years, so close to relationships so many times and now that we're finally in one, it went from perfect to horrible in what feels like 2.5 seconds. Maybe I did something wrong that I don't even realize I did, because that seems to be a reoccurring pattern when it comes to loosing friends of mine, but I honestly can't think of one single thing I did wrong that would push you to the point of completely avoiding me for three whole days. I keep running every conversation through my mind, every moment lately we've been together, which hasn't been for two and a half weeks; but I keep racking my brain for these events where I could have done something significantly wrong to upset you or anger you, but I can't think of a single thing.
Maybe we were just honeymooners, with our honeymoon stage just passed quicker than I had hoped it would be. Did you get bored of me? It doesn't make any sense to me, because I did everything I thought you wanted me to do, because that made me happy. I tried so hard to be cute, to be playful and sexual with you, because for months, even years, that's all you wanted, even when that's not what I wanted. I knew something was wrong when we were in a conversation, like we always do at night, and you just had no interest in being sexy or sexting whatsoever. That hurt, honestly, not because I'm a skank or anything, but because I knew then that you really don't care anymore, and I felt like I was almost bothering you by texting you and trying to keep up a conversation with my boyfriend, even after he was the one who texted me first.
You know, I miss you so much though. I miss it when you would call me babe or baby, tell me I was beautiful and sexy. I miss it when you would kiss my forehead, hold my hand, kiss me like I was important to you and that you really, truly wanted to be with me. I keep thinking back to all of the amazing moments we've had in the past three months or so; every first we went through, and second and third and fourth and so on. We've been through too much for this to end this abruptly. Honestly, I think it hurts so much because over these past four years, and especially speeding up these past couple of months, I've been slowly falling in love with you, and I don't know how to express it, or how to truly feel it, or if it's even okay to feel this way, especially when you really don't want anything to do with me at the moment, or at least it seems that way at the moment. But if this is truly what I think it is, what I feel in my gut, what I think is love, I'm totally, utterly, completely, one hundred percent screwed. And that scares me.
Point made. I am broken.
Wanted: Someone to pick up all of my pieces and fix me.
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