07 August 2012
Well, we broke up, if you could even call it a break up. It was so messy, and I was so upset, and you were such a total douchebag that I couldn't even tell.
How dare you say those things to me? You can't ask a girl to be your girlfriend, take her out on dates, kiss her, call her your girlfriend, and treat her like your girlfriend for almost three months, then ignore her for a while, and then tell her that you never dated to begin with. You really can't tell me that everything we had, everything that happened between us was nothing to you, meant absolutely nothing to you.
I get it. You took what you wanted and left. Typical male, I guess.
Just don't come back wanting more. Please.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Move Along
Come on kid.
Honestly, are you happy with where we are with everything right now? You're in a relationship, remember? Oh wait, maybe you don't remember, since you seem to be ignoring your girlfriend a lot lately.
I got friend zoned when I was already in the damn relationship. COME ON.
Let's just end this while we can still do this civily. We can stay friends, and I would honestly love that, since we've been friends for the past 3+ years already. I would hate to loose that friendship over a stupid relationship that just didn't happen to work out.
I just want to move on. I'm ready to make out with some new guys, maybe find a new boyfriend. But I'm unable to do that if you're still my boyfriend. If you're not gonna talk to me, I can't break up wtih you. I just need a 10 minute phone or skype conversation with you to break up, and then we can get on with our seperate lives. You can enjoy your senior year of high school, I can enjoy my freshman year of college. And we both won't be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere, which is the part that's killing me.
Honestly, are you happy with where we are with everything right now? You're in a relationship, remember? Oh wait, maybe you don't remember, since you seem to be ignoring your girlfriend a lot lately.
I got friend zoned when I was already in the damn relationship. COME ON.
Let's just end this while we can still do this civily. We can stay friends, and I would honestly love that, since we've been friends for the past 3+ years already. I would hate to loose that friendship over a stupid relationship that just didn't happen to work out.
I just want to move on. I'm ready to make out with some new guys, maybe find a new boyfriend. But I'm unable to do that if you're still my boyfriend. If you're not gonna talk to me, I can't break up wtih you. I just need a 10 minute phone or skype conversation with you to break up, and then we can get on with our seperate lives. You can enjoy your senior year of high school, I can enjoy my freshman year of college. And we both won't be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere, which is the part that's killing me.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Fuck You
22 August 2012
I'm getting really fucking sick of everyone not caring about me anymore. I don't get it. I put all of this effort in to keep our friendships running, to keep us friends, and I don't receive anything in return.
It's the same old story every week. I try to make plans with people, they keep saying "I miss you. OMG we need to hang out asap!", and the plans never happen. I get cancelled on, sometimes a few days in advance, but sometimes it's the day of, hours before, and sometimes even hours after they're supposed to be somewhere is when the plans get cancelled. And yet, I keep trying to make plans with these people who claim they love me, who claim that they truly care about me, and they don't put any effort into it. If you really cared about me and my feelings, you would find some time for me. Squeeze me into your horribly busy schedule.
I mean, I'm the kind of person who tries to keep up with everything in the lives of the people I love. I ask questions about their health, their relationships, their families, and anything else that happens to be going on in that persons life. I care, that's my biggest flaw. Because in this day and age, it's really hard to find people who genuinely care about more than themselves. I care about practically everyone I come in contact to, who actually makes an impact on my life. Once I've cared about you, I'll always care about you, no matter if you absolutely hate my guts or try to ruin my life.
The thing I want most is to have someone like myself, who comes around to me, cares about what's going on in my life. Makes plans to hang out with me. Checks up on me to make sure I'm not a complete utter mess. But I don't have that. I have friends who once and a while catch one of my depressing tweets, and they ask if I'm okay. But the BFF venting sesh soon turns around, from me spilling out my problems, into having to listen to other peoples problems. Don't get me wrong, I actually like listening to peoples problems, trying to help, and even if I can't give good advice about the problem they have, I like just listening. I'm a good listener, because I actually care.
That's my biggest weakness. My biggest flaw. I care, way too much.
And yet, I'm not doing anything to stop myself from caring as much as I do. It hurts, but sometimes it's worth it. It's worth seeing someone else happy because I cared about them, even if they don't care about me. They don't answer my texts, put effort into conversations, make plans, keep plans, or anything else. And yet, I keep texting those people, putting complete effort into every conversation I have, making plans with these people, and trying my best to keep these plans. The only time I ever cancel plans is when I'm truly so sick that I'm unable to function correctly, or something extremely important comes up, which rarely happens, which means I rarely cancel plans on my own accord. I'm pretty reliable with that.
I'm getting really fucking sick of everyone not caring about me anymore. I don't get it. I put all of this effort in to keep our friendships running, to keep us friends, and I don't receive anything in return.
It's the same old story every week. I try to make plans with people, they keep saying "I miss you. OMG we need to hang out asap!", and the plans never happen. I get cancelled on, sometimes a few days in advance, but sometimes it's the day of, hours before, and sometimes even hours after they're supposed to be somewhere is when the plans get cancelled. And yet, I keep trying to make plans with these people who claim they love me, who claim that they truly care about me, and they don't put any effort into it. If you really cared about me and my feelings, you would find some time for me. Squeeze me into your horribly busy schedule.
I mean, I'm the kind of person who tries to keep up with everything in the lives of the people I love. I ask questions about their health, their relationships, their families, and anything else that happens to be going on in that persons life. I care, that's my biggest flaw. Because in this day and age, it's really hard to find people who genuinely care about more than themselves. I care about practically everyone I come in contact to, who actually makes an impact on my life. Once I've cared about you, I'll always care about you, no matter if you absolutely hate my guts or try to ruin my life.
The thing I want most is to have someone like myself, who comes around to me, cares about what's going on in my life. Makes plans to hang out with me. Checks up on me to make sure I'm not a complete utter mess. But I don't have that. I have friends who once and a while catch one of my depressing tweets, and they ask if I'm okay. But the BFF venting sesh soon turns around, from me spilling out my problems, into having to listen to other peoples problems. Don't get me wrong, I actually like listening to peoples problems, trying to help, and even if I can't give good advice about the problem they have, I like just listening. I'm a good listener, because I actually care.
That's my biggest weakness. My biggest flaw. I care, way too much.
And yet, I'm not doing anything to stop myself from caring as much as I do. It hurts, but sometimes it's worth it. It's worth seeing someone else happy because I cared about them, even if they don't care about me. They don't answer my texts, put effort into conversations, make plans, keep plans, or anything else. And yet, I keep texting those people, putting complete effort into every conversation I have, making plans with these people, and trying my best to keep these plans. The only time I ever cancel plans is when I'm truly so sick that I'm unable to function correctly, or something extremely important comes up, which rarely happens, which means I rarely cancel plans on my own accord. I'm pretty reliable with that.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Failure
19 August 2012
At the end of my junior year of high school, I decided that I would do everything I could to make my senior year incredible. I wanted to take charge. Yet, I failed at almost everything I tried to do with my life. I never got what I believed I deserved, and I felt most of the time that people who were much less deserving of it always got what I wanted. Here's just a list of everything I tried so hard for the few years, and only the bold ones are the things I actually succeeded in.
At the end of my junior year of high school, I decided that I would do everything I could to make my senior year incredible. I wanted to take charge. Yet, I failed at almost everything I tried to do with my life. I never got what I believed I deserved, and I felt most of the time that people who were much less deserving of it always got what I wanted. Here's just a list of everything I tried so hard for the few years, and only the bold ones are the things I actually succeeded in.
- Masque and Mime Banquet Chair
- Masque and Mime Fundraising Chair
- Masque and Mime Hair Crew Chief
- Masque and Mime Senior Scholarship Winner
- Melissa Gleichenhaus Memorial Scholarship Winner
- In charge of the Melissa Gleichenhaus Mural project
- Getting into Chamber Choir 2010-2011
- Getting into Chamber Choir 2011-2012
- Accepted into every college I applied to
- Being able to afford living on Campus
- Future Business Leaders of America Treasurer
- Future Business Leaders of America 3rd place at Local Competition
- Future Business Leaders of America - went to State conference
- Future Business Leaders of America - won at State conference
- Passing my AP European History Exam
- Receiving any of the 25 other scholarships I applied for
Friday, August 17, 2012
Is there anything wrong with you right now?Absolutely.
Have you eaten chocolate today?
OMG YES.
Where did you meet the person you love/like?
Masque and Mime, 2009.
Are you in a relationship with anyone?
I think so.
Do you enjoy reading?
Yes.
Are you a social person?
I can be/
Have you ran into an old friend recently?
Well, Meagan. We found each other in February and now we've become sorta close because we're going to the same school.
What are your plans for tonight?
I unfortunately don't have any.
Do you have strange dreams?
Oh yeah, especially last night!
Be honest, who’s the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My dad
When was the last time you were in a very good mood?
I don't remember.
Are you the kind of person that’s afraid to cry in public?
I really try not to.
Do you understand what life has to give?
I don't.
Are you one that reads or writes just for the joy of it?
Yeah. Obviously that's what this blog is for.
Are you tired right now?
I'm always tired. Constantly tired, and I'm sick of it.
Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
I have. It was wonderful.
Are family get togethers fun or awkward for you?
A W K W A R D.
When was the last time you were at a hotel?
June for Leah's Sweet 16.
Are your toe nails painted?
They are, but I have to redo them.
Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
I just did.
Are you ready to get out of this town?
I absolutely am. It was taken away from me to leave, and now I'm stuck here for at least 4-5 months. If not that then a year.
Did you have a good day yesterday?
Eh, it was better than the last few days.
Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
I doubt it, since I haven't talked to him in 10 days.
Do you act differently around the person you like?
No. I act like myself around him, because he lets me and likes me for it.
What was the last thing you ate?
A few pieces of Ziti, because I want to eat it all but it's only 11am and I feel it's too early to eat food food. Ya know?
Is your hair long enough to pull over your face like a mustache?
LOL, yes.
How often do you visit your relatives?
Momma comes to see me like at least every other week, and I sorta hope she still keeps that up when I'm going to school. Most of the time my family comes to me, but I visit my Grandma every few months, but not as much as I should.
Have you ever woken up from a dream and thought it had actually happened?
I do that all of the time. I've actually asked people if something had happened but it was a dream.
Are you obsessed with a certain countries culture?
I love everything about every country in Europe. If I could take off a year and travel around Europe, I would. That's my dream.
What type of food do you find yourself craving most? (sweet, meat, etc.)
Sweet, probably. I crave everything.
Have you eaten chocolate today?
OMG YES.
Where did you meet the person you love/like?
Masque and Mime, 2009.
Are you in a relationship with anyone?
I think so.
Do you enjoy reading?
Yes.
Are you a social person?
I can be/
Have you ran into an old friend recently?
Well, Meagan. We found each other in February and now we've become sorta close because we're going to the same school.
What are your plans for tonight?
I unfortunately don't have any.
Do you have strange dreams?
Oh yeah, especially last night!
Be honest, who’s the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My dad
When was the last time you were in a very good mood?
I don't remember.
Are you the kind of person that’s afraid to cry in public?
I really try not to.
Do you understand what life has to give?
I don't.
Are you one that reads or writes just for the joy of it?
Yeah. Obviously that's what this blog is for.
Are you tired right now?
I'm always tired. Constantly tired, and I'm sick of it.
Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
I have. It was wonderful.
Are family get togethers fun or awkward for you?
A W K W A R D.
When was the last time you were at a hotel?
June for Leah's Sweet 16.
Are your toe nails painted?
They are, but I have to redo them.
Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
I just did.
Are you ready to get out of this town?
I absolutely am. It was taken away from me to leave, and now I'm stuck here for at least 4-5 months. If not that then a year.
Did you have a good day yesterday?
Eh, it was better than the last few days.
Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
I doubt it, since I haven't talked to him in 10 days.
Do you act differently around the person you like?
No. I act like myself around him, because he lets me and likes me for it.
What was the last thing you ate?
A few pieces of Ziti, because I want to eat it all but it's only 11am and I feel it's too early to eat food food. Ya know?
Is your hair long enough to pull over your face like a mustache?
LOL, yes.
How often do you visit your relatives?
Momma comes to see me like at least every other week, and I sorta hope she still keeps that up when I'm going to school. Most of the time my family comes to me, but I visit my Grandma every few months, but not as much as I should.
Have you ever woken up from a dream and thought it had actually happened?
I do that all of the time. I've actually asked people if something had happened but it was a dream.
Are you obsessed with a certain countries culture?
I love everything about every country in Europe. If I could take off a year and travel around Europe, I would. That's my dream.
What type of food do you find yourself craving most? (sweet, meat, etc.)
Sweet, probably. I crave everything.
Brother Sister Love
17 August 2012
I have a little brother, who actually isn't so little. For years, people are always shocked to find that my brother is a year and a half younger than me. He looks so much older than he is, and acts a lot more mature compared to people his age when he's out in public, but when he's home he's my little brother, and he can be a bit immature. But that's to be expected. I entered high school four years ago, and people knew me, but they knew me as "Brad Marvin's Sister", not Dana. Two years before the kid even came to high school, he was known.
My brother and I have a really great relationship, even though it may not seem like it all of the time to other people looking in on the relationship. We've been through so much together, and I'm sure we'll have to go through so much more. Obviously we fight like every other group of siblings has in the history of the world, and I think sometimes that's what everyone around us sees. But there's a really strong, really good relationship between us that I honestly wouldn't trade for the world. There are TV shows that we watch weekly, and we talk about them and debate over what's gonna happen. It's to the point where if one of us watches the TV show without the other because they were out, or sleeping, or whatever the case may be, the other gets so pissed off and we probably spend a good hour having stupid, hilarious fights with each other. We've watched movies and TV shows together that are so girls (AKA we watched A Walk to Remember and AMTM), and he loves it. But don't even get me started on food. I swear, every time I eat my brothers Reeses Puff Cereal, he gets so pissed off at me and it's HILARIOUS, because he's sorta upset about it, but I know he's kidding.
I honestly believe that I am my brothers biggest fan. When I miss a wrestling meet, it honestly upsets me because I may have missed something important in his wrestling career. I've learned the sport so there's one more thing for us to talk about, since he's completely and utterly obsessed with the sport. He's so incredibly good at it, that I don't mind the constant talk about it. I'm always there to support him with wrestling; going to all his meets, tournaments, divisionals, sectionals, and hopefully this year, states. I participate in any fundraiser the wrestling team is a part of, and I always help with the tournament that RCK has every year. I already have plans on how to celebrate when he gets his 100th career win this year, and I'll be there rooting him on when he's dominating the competition, hopefully winning a section title. He's so incredible at what he does. I mean, as a freshman in high school, he took second in divisionals and took sixth at sectionals. As a Sophomore, he was a varsity team captain, took first place at divisionals, and took third at sectionals, only because he was pinned for the first time in his varsity career by a senior who's not just a 3 time state champ, but a national champ, and is wrestling for Cornell.
My brother has always been there for me just as much as I've been there for him, even if it doesn't seem like it to you. Since we were kids, he's always been around to stick up for me. He's been in two fights just sticking up for me, one got him kicked out of summer camp and the other he fought a kid almost twice his size...and won, both. But not only that, but he's there to talk sometimes, even if sometimes he's only just listening or not even listening at all. But he's always there for me if I need to vent. He can tell when I'm upset a lot, especially when something happens with mom. He understands a lot of what I'm going through, and I love him for being around.
I have a little brother, who actually isn't so little. For years, people are always shocked to find that my brother is a year and a half younger than me. He looks so much older than he is, and acts a lot more mature compared to people his age when he's out in public, but when he's home he's my little brother, and he can be a bit immature. But that's to be expected. I entered high school four years ago, and people knew me, but they knew me as "Brad Marvin's Sister", not Dana. Two years before the kid even came to high school, he was known.
My brother and I have a really great relationship, even though it may not seem like it all of the time to other people looking in on the relationship. We've been through so much together, and I'm sure we'll have to go through so much more. Obviously we fight like every other group of siblings has in the history of the world, and I think sometimes that's what everyone around us sees. But there's a really strong, really good relationship between us that I honestly wouldn't trade for the world. There are TV shows that we watch weekly, and we talk about them and debate over what's gonna happen. It's to the point where if one of us watches the TV show without the other because they were out, or sleeping, or whatever the case may be, the other gets so pissed off and we probably spend a good hour having stupid, hilarious fights with each other. We've watched movies and TV shows together that are so girls (AKA we watched A Walk to Remember and AMTM), and he loves it. But don't even get me started on food. I swear, every time I eat my brothers Reeses Puff Cereal, he gets so pissed off at me and it's HILARIOUS, because he's sorta upset about it, but I know he's kidding.
I honestly believe that I am my brothers biggest fan. When I miss a wrestling meet, it honestly upsets me because I may have missed something important in his wrestling career. I've learned the sport so there's one more thing for us to talk about, since he's completely and utterly obsessed with the sport. He's so incredibly good at it, that I don't mind the constant talk about it. I'm always there to support him with wrestling; going to all his meets, tournaments, divisionals, sectionals, and hopefully this year, states. I participate in any fundraiser the wrestling team is a part of, and I always help with the tournament that RCK has every year. I already have plans on how to celebrate when he gets his 100th career win this year, and I'll be there rooting him on when he's dominating the competition, hopefully winning a section title. He's so incredible at what he does. I mean, as a freshman in high school, he took second in divisionals and took sixth at sectionals. As a Sophomore, he was a varsity team captain, took first place at divisionals, and took third at sectionals, only because he was pinned for the first time in his varsity career by a senior who's not just a 3 time state champ, but a national champ, and is wrestling for Cornell.
My brother has always been there for me just as much as I've been there for him, even if it doesn't seem like it to you. Since we were kids, he's always been around to stick up for me. He's been in two fights just sticking up for me, one got him kicked out of summer camp and the other he fought a kid almost twice his size...and won, both. But not only that, but he's there to talk sometimes, even if sometimes he's only just listening or not even listening at all. But he's always there for me if I need to vent. He can tell when I'm upset a lot, especially when something happens with mom. He understands a lot of what I'm going through, and I love him for being around.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Maybe I Can Make It Through
15 August, 2012
It's been one week since I've gotten a text message response from you. One week. Do you even understand what you're doing to me with this? During this time, you've posted your whereabouts of your beautiful Florida/West Virginia trip on Facebook, yet no time to shoot me a measly text message to make sure that you're okay. And um, West Virginia? You're supposed to be in Florida, with your parents, for two whole weeks. That makes me even more worried that something may have happened to you, yet at the same time I believe that even if something did happen, I doubt it was the first day, and I doubt you've been so busy that you couldn't text your girlfriend.
And hm, guess what yesterday was? Oh yeah, you missed our two month anniversary. You didn't even text your girlfriend then. Not that I'm huge into these whole anniversary things too much, but I mean, it would be nice for a little bit of thought. Is he going to text me back tomorrow, when I text him a happy birthday? Or is he going to ignore my facebook post about his birthday, like he's probably ignoring the facebook message that I sent him hours ago.
Exactly how long are you planning to ignore me? You can't do it too long without me finding a way to talk to you. Why can't we just talk things out, try to work things out, and maybe we can get through this, get back to the way things used to be, when we were both happy, or at least I was happy, and you did a very good job pretending you were. I understand if you need a break, but it would have been nice to know that you wanted this break, and I would have gladly given you the time off from our relationship. But this whole ignoring thing, it's not my thing. I don't like it one bit, at all whatsoever.
Communication is sorta a key ingredient to having a good relationship, don't you think? Maybe not, since you don't seem to be doing much of it yourself. Honestly, I want to talk to you about all of this. I want to be able to talk to you about every little detail that's going on in my life, but you don't seem to want to listen at all. If you took the time to talk to me about how you're feeling about us, about everything going on, then I think we would both feel a whole lot better about everything, and maybe we would be able to completely work out all of our issues, make our relationship work, or find out that we're not meant to be together intimately like we are, and try our best to go back to our amazing friendship.
Every single time I get a text message, my stomach flips because I pray that it's you. It never is, and that kills me inside. Every. Single. Time. I can't take much more of this. I've cried every day besides the first day you didn't text me, because without you here, my emotions are completely bottled up and I can't stand it. I've cried myself to sleep for 6 nights straight, and I bet tonight will be the 7th. I need you. I need to know you're okay, that we can try to work this out.
I can't do this alone anymore.
It's been one week since I've gotten a text message response from you. One week. Do you even understand what you're doing to me with this? During this time, you've posted your whereabouts of your beautiful Florida/West Virginia trip on Facebook, yet no time to shoot me a measly text message to make sure that you're okay. And um, West Virginia? You're supposed to be in Florida, with your parents, for two whole weeks. That makes me even more worried that something may have happened to you, yet at the same time I believe that even if something did happen, I doubt it was the first day, and I doubt you've been so busy that you couldn't text your girlfriend.
And hm, guess what yesterday was? Oh yeah, you missed our two month anniversary. You didn't even text your girlfriend then. Not that I'm huge into these whole anniversary things too much, but I mean, it would be nice for a little bit of thought. Is he going to text me back tomorrow, when I text him a happy birthday? Or is he going to ignore my facebook post about his birthday, like he's probably ignoring the facebook message that I sent him hours ago.
Exactly how long are you planning to ignore me? You can't do it too long without me finding a way to talk to you. Why can't we just talk things out, try to work things out, and maybe we can get through this, get back to the way things used to be, when we were both happy, or at least I was happy, and you did a very good job pretending you were. I understand if you need a break, but it would have been nice to know that you wanted this break, and I would have gladly given you the time off from our relationship. But this whole ignoring thing, it's not my thing. I don't like it one bit, at all whatsoever.
Communication is sorta a key ingredient to having a good relationship, don't you think? Maybe not, since you don't seem to be doing much of it yourself. Honestly, I want to talk to you about all of this. I want to be able to talk to you about every little detail that's going on in my life, but you don't seem to want to listen at all. If you took the time to talk to me about how you're feeling about us, about everything going on, then I think we would both feel a whole lot better about everything, and maybe we would be able to completely work out all of our issues, make our relationship work, or find out that we're not meant to be together intimately like we are, and try our best to go back to our amazing friendship.
Every single time I get a text message, my stomach flips because I pray that it's you. It never is, and that kills me inside. Every. Single. Time. I can't take much more of this. I've cried every day besides the first day you didn't text me, because without you here, my emotions are completely bottled up and I can't stand it. I've cried myself to sleep for 6 nights straight, and I bet tonight will be the 7th. I need you. I need to know you're okay, that we can try to work this out.
I can't do this alone anymore.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Fat but Fab.
13 August 2012
I have a new saying. I feel like it so happens to explain my life in a lovely manner.
"If I'm gonna be depressed, I'm gonna look fabulous while doing it."
Lovely, right? I feel it fits everything in my life pretty perfectly. I'm in love with fashion, with every single aspect of the industry, and I've decided that shopping for clothes, looking for clothes, and wearing the cutest clothes is the only thing at this point in time that's going to make me feel any better.
I have a new saying. I feel like it so happens to explain my life in a lovely manner.
"If I'm gonna be depressed, I'm gonna look fabulous while doing it."
Lovely, right? I feel it fits everything in my life pretty perfectly. I'm in love with fashion, with every single aspect of the industry, and I've decided that shopping for clothes, looking for clothes, and wearing the cutest clothes is the only thing at this point in time that's going to make me feel any better.
1. Let’s start off with your Facebook relationship status.In a Relationship, for now.
2. Could you have sex with the last person you texted?Yes. But I don't know how he feels about it anymore.
3. Is the last person you kissed also the next person you’ll kiss?I really hope so, but I honestly doubt it.
4. Have you been disappointed in the past three days?I've been full of disappointment for the past week and a half straight.
5. Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?Mhmm.
6. If you were drunk and you couldn’t walk, would the last person you kissed take care of you?No. He doesn't know how to take care of himself, let alone me.
7. Have you ever kissed someone who was high?No, thank god. I would never let myself do that.
8. Have you ever fallen asleep in school?No, I've never completely fallen asleep. I was always too afraid I would get caught by the teacher, or made fun of by others.
9. who’s the biggest douchebag that you know?I could make a list.
10. If the person you have feelings for were to show up at your house RIGHT NOW, what would you say?I would try to make him explain to me why he's been ignoring my text messages for the past 6 days.
11. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now?Honestly, yes.
12. Who was the last male you talked to?Grandpa.
13. Do you dislike anyone?I dislike most of the people I know.
14. Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere?No.
15. Who was the last person to touch your butt?Jonathan.
16. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?No.
17. How did you get your last bruise?I can't even keep track of the multiple bruises I have on my body right now.
18. Are you single?I don't think I am.
19. Are you missing anyone/something?Jonathan.
20. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead?I think it's so adorable.
21. What do you usually do right when you wake up?Eat. Because I'm fat.
22. Would you rather have orange juice or milk with your breakfast?Milk.
23. When was the last time you were told you were cute?It's been almost two weeks.
24. Are you taller than most people your age?I'm short.
25. Do you still talk to the last person that kissed you on the lips?Well, I haven't in the past 6 days. But I wish I could.
26. Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing?It's just a plain, purple v-neck.
27. Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?Jonathan. It's been a month since I've seen him, since I've kissed him, and it's sorta tearing me up inside. I want to so badly.
28. Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over?Yes. too many things.
29. Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?Yeah, he's my boyfriend. Or, at least I think he is.
30. Honestly, are you happy with the way things are?No. I'm not happy at all whatsoever.
31. Do you always care what you look like?Most of the time, unless I'm home. I only care about what I look like at home when I have people over.
32. Relationship between you and the last person you texted?I'll just say, it's complicated. I think.
33. If your ex said that they hated you, what would you say?I've never had a real ex.
34. Is the last person you kissed mad at you?I'm going to assume so, since he's avoiding me.
35. Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?No, haha.
36. How many people are you texting?I texted Jonathan, but yet again for the 6th day in a row he won't answer my text.
37. Do you think people think bad things about you?Absolutely. Nobody likes me.
38. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Sober. Always sober.
39. Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?Always.
40. Ever liked someone whose name started with an M?Yeah.
41. Did you ever waste time on a certain boy or girl?I've wasted the past three years on this one.
42. Have you gotten into an argument with the last person you kissed?Yeah. We've fought.
43. If the last person that you kissed said they wanted to marry you, what would you say?He would never do that.
44. Do you believe your ex thinks about you?no ex.
45. What’s currently bothering you?Do you have a few hours for me to explain the long list of things bothering me?
46. Are you afraid of the dark?Nahh. I'm a big girl.
47. Who was the last person you had a phone conversation with for more than two minutes?Grandma and Grandpa.
48. With whom did you have the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had?I had a phone conversation with Matt and Jimmy a few years ago that was 2 hours long.
49. Would you ever consider piercing your lip?No thanks.
50. Have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move?Yes. I'm white.
51. Do you toss and turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?I cried myself to sleep once again for the 5th night in a row.
52. Has anyone ever hung up on you?Oh my god, it's a weekly thing.
53. Did you speak to your father today?Yes I did.
54. How have you felt today?Extremely ill, depressed, and fat.
55. Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?I'm trying to avoid being upset, but it's hard to avoid.
56. Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?No.
57. Are you a forgiving person?I usually am if the other person is willing to admit to what they did wrong and genuinely and sincerely be sorry about what they did.
58. Are your toenails painted pink?Nope, purple.
59. Are you wearing shorts?I am.
60. Ever had a best friend who was a boy?Yes. A few.
61. Last people you were in the car with?Daddy, this morning.
62. Do you wear a lot of make-up?I do.
63. Do you straighten your hair often?I don't have to because it's naturally straight.
64. What are you up to this weekend?Probably nothing, once again. Though I'd like to go back to school shopping.
65. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?Eh, Grandpa's alright.
66. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?I love it.
67. What is something you like to do when you’re down?I eat. and I cry.
68. Do you regret anything from your past?I regret a lot of things.
69. Who is the last person you physically hit?Matt. Almost definitely.
70. How many people of the opposite sex have made you cry?Many.
71. Are you missing anyone at the moment?Jonathan. I'm missing him like crazy.
72. What was the last thing you and your mum talked about?
Drama.
73. Who’s the last person you kissed?Jonathan.
74. At this very moment, what exactly are you doing?Taking this survey and watching 7th Heaven.
75. Where’s your ex at?he doesn't exist.
76. What’s your favourite thing to do on the weekend?Party, sleep, shop, and spend time with good friends.
77. Do you know anyone currently in jail?I do.
78. How do you feel about your sibling(s)?I love my brother.
79. Lil Wayne or Plies?lil Wayne.
80. Why are you taking this survey?Because I'm bored and I need something to do while I watch TV.
81. What do you currently hear?7th Heaven.
82. If you could make your lips bigger, would you?Nah.
83. Do you like your hair?Love it.
84. Will you be up before 7AM tomorrow?I really hope not.
85. Have you cut your hair this week?I did, actually.
86. What was the last thing you wore that was black?A shirt.
87. What have you eaten today?a ton of cereal and some gross chicken parm.
88. Sex ruins relationships, right?I don't think so.
89. Where do you want to be right now?with Jonathan. anywhere.
90. Do you like hugs?I love them.
91. Do you know what you want to do when you grow up?I do.
92. Could you go a whole year without cursing?Absolutely not.
93. Are you spending the weekend with the last person you texted?No, he's hundreds of miles away in Florida, without me.
94. Has someone called you beautiful in the past two days?No.
95. Would you rather love one person, or have many short relationships?Love one person.
96. Have you ever kissed someone who smokes?No.
97. Are you planning to have a kid?I'm planning to adopt.
98. What’s your current problem?I have too many to write down in this survey.
99. What’s the last thing you touched, other than your computer?the remote.
100. Is it common for you to have a song stuck in your head?Yeah. Almost always do.
101. Do you have a lot of clothes?I do. but not enough.
102. Do you like who you are?Not at all.
103. In your life, do you plan on visiting other countries?I would really like to.
2. Could you have sex with the last person you texted?Yes. But I don't know how he feels about it anymore.
3. Is the last person you kissed also the next person you’ll kiss?I really hope so, but I honestly doubt it.
4. Have you been disappointed in the past three days?I've been full of disappointment for the past week and a half straight.
5. Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?Mhmm.
6. If you were drunk and you couldn’t walk, would the last person you kissed take care of you?No. He doesn't know how to take care of himself, let alone me.
7. Have you ever kissed someone who was high?No, thank god. I would never let myself do that.
8. Have you ever fallen asleep in school?No, I've never completely fallen asleep. I was always too afraid I would get caught by the teacher, or made fun of by others.
9. who’s the biggest douchebag that you know?I could make a list.
10. If the person you have feelings for were to show up at your house RIGHT NOW, what would you say?I would try to make him explain to me why he's been ignoring my text messages for the past 6 days.
11. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now?Honestly, yes.
12. Who was the last male you talked to?Grandpa.
13. Do you dislike anyone?I dislike most of the people I know.
14. Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere?No.
15. Who was the last person to touch your butt?Jonathan.
16. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?No.
17. How did you get your last bruise?I can't even keep track of the multiple bruises I have on my body right now.
18. Are you single?I don't think I am.
19. Are you missing anyone/something?Jonathan.
20. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead?I think it's so adorable.
21. What do you usually do right when you wake up?Eat. Because I'm fat.
22. Would you rather have orange juice or milk with your breakfast?Milk.
23. When was the last time you were told you were cute?It's been almost two weeks.
24. Are you taller than most people your age?I'm short.
25. Do you still talk to the last person that kissed you on the lips?Well, I haven't in the past 6 days. But I wish I could.
26. Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing?It's just a plain, purple v-neck.
27. Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?Jonathan. It's been a month since I've seen him, since I've kissed him, and it's sorta tearing me up inside. I want to so badly.
28. Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over?Yes. too many things.
29. Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?Yeah, he's my boyfriend. Or, at least I think he is.
30. Honestly, are you happy with the way things are?No. I'm not happy at all whatsoever.
31. Do you always care what you look like?Most of the time, unless I'm home. I only care about what I look like at home when I have people over.
32. Relationship between you and the last person you texted?I'll just say, it's complicated. I think.
33. If your ex said that they hated you, what would you say?I've never had a real ex.
34. Is the last person you kissed mad at you?I'm going to assume so, since he's avoiding me.
35. Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?No, haha.
36. How many people are you texting?I texted Jonathan, but yet again for the 6th day in a row he won't answer my text.
37. Do you think people think bad things about you?Absolutely. Nobody likes me.
38. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Sober. Always sober.
39. Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?Always.
40. Ever liked someone whose name started with an M?Yeah.
41. Did you ever waste time on a certain boy or girl?I've wasted the past three years on this one.
42. Have you gotten into an argument with the last person you kissed?Yeah. We've fought.
43. If the last person that you kissed said they wanted to marry you, what would you say?He would never do that.
44. Do you believe your ex thinks about you?no ex.
45. What’s currently bothering you?Do you have a few hours for me to explain the long list of things bothering me?
46. Are you afraid of the dark?Nahh. I'm a big girl.
47. Who was the last person you had a phone conversation with for more than two minutes?Grandma and Grandpa.
48. With whom did you have the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had?I had a phone conversation with Matt and Jimmy a few years ago that was 2 hours long.
49. Would you ever consider piercing your lip?No thanks.
50. Have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move?Yes. I'm white.
51. Do you toss and turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?I cried myself to sleep once again for the 5th night in a row.
52. Has anyone ever hung up on you?Oh my god, it's a weekly thing.
53. Did you speak to your father today?Yes I did.
54. How have you felt today?Extremely ill, depressed, and fat.
55. Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?I'm trying to avoid being upset, but it's hard to avoid.
56. Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?No.
57. Are you a forgiving person?I usually am if the other person is willing to admit to what they did wrong and genuinely and sincerely be sorry about what they did.
58. Are your toenails painted pink?Nope, purple.
59. Are you wearing shorts?I am.
60. Ever had a best friend who was a boy?Yes. A few.
61. Last people you were in the car with?Daddy, this morning.
62. Do you wear a lot of make-up?I do.
63. Do you straighten your hair often?I don't have to because it's naturally straight.
64. What are you up to this weekend?Probably nothing, once again. Though I'd like to go back to school shopping.
65. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?Eh, Grandpa's alright.
66. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?I love it.
67. What is something you like to do when you’re down?I eat. and I cry.
68. Do you regret anything from your past?I regret a lot of things.
69. Who is the last person you physically hit?Matt. Almost definitely.
70. How many people of the opposite sex have made you cry?Many.
71. Are you missing anyone at the moment?Jonathan. I'm missing him like crazy.
72. What was the last thing you and your mum talked about?
Drama.
73. Who’s the last person you kissed?Jonathan.
74. At this very moment, what exactly are you doing?Taking this survey and watching 7th Heaven.
75. Where’s your ex at?he doesn't exist.
76. What’s your favourite thing to do on the weekend?Party, sleep, shop, and spend time with good friends.
77. Do you know anyone currently in jail?I do.
78. How do you feel about your sibling(s)?I love my brother.
79. Lil Wayne or Plies?lil Wayne.
80. Why are you taking this survey?Because I'm bored and I need something to do while I watch TV.
81. What do you currently hear?7th Heaven.
82. If you could make your lips bigger, would you?Nah.
83. Do you like your hair?Love it.
84. Will you be up before 7AM tomorrow?I really hope not.
85. Have you cut your hair this week?I did, actually.
86. What was the last thing you wore that was black?A shirt.
87. What have you eaten today?a ton of cereal and some gross chicken parm.
88. Sex ruins relationships, right?I don't think so.
89. Where do you want to be right now?with Jonathan. anywhere.
90. Do you like hugs?I love them.
91. Do you know what you want to do when you grow up?I do.
92. Could you go a whole year without cursing?Absolutely not.
93. Are you spending the weekend with the last person you texted?No, he's hundreds of miles away in Florida, without me.
94. Has someone called you beautiful in the past two days?No.
95. Would you rather love one person, or have many short relationships?Love one person.
96. Have you ever kissed someone who smokes?No.
97. Are you planning to have a kid?I'm planning to adopt.
98. What’s your current problem?I have too many to write down in this survey.
99. What’s the last thing you touched, other than your computer?the remote.
100. Is it common for you to have a song stuck in your head?Yeah. Almost always do.
101. Do you have a lot of clothes?I do. but not enough.
102. Do you like who you are?Not at all.
103. In your life, do you plan on visiting other countries?I would really like to.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I Want You to Make Me Feel Wanted
10 August 2012
I'm broken, like one of those toys your toddler has and breaks into a million pieces within hours of receiving said toy. And now, I feel like I've been tossed on the floor with the rest of your broken toys you don't have any use for anymore. But my heart, oh yes, that's still fully in tact, just suffering from a knife straight through it, like a dart through a water balloon. It continues to beat, attached to a life support set up system, barely holding on anymore.
I wonder to myself whether or not this is even worth it anymore; whether or not I should allow myself to let you break me down like you do so well. You know full well that I'm so vulnerable, with the rest of my world literally crashing down around be every second, yet you still take advantage of every single ounce of my vulnerability. The fact that we've been such good friends, so close all of these years, so close to relationships so many times and now that we're finally in one, it went from perfect to horrible in what feels like 2.5 seconds. Maybe I did something wrong that I don't even realize I did, because that seems to be a reoccurring pattern when it comes to loosing friends of mine, but I honestly can't think of one single thing I did wrong that would push you to the point of completely avoiding me for three whole days. I keep running every conversation through my mind, every moment lately we've been together, which hasn't been for two and a half weeks; but I keep racking my brain for these events where I could have done something significantly wrong to upset you or anger you, but I can't think of a single thing.
Maybe we were just honeymooners, with our honeymoon stage just passed quicker than I had hoped it would be. Did you get bored of me? It doesn't make any sense to me, because I did everything I thought you wanted me to do, because that made me happy. I tried so hard to be cute, to be playful and sexual with you, because for months, even years, that's all you wanted, even when that's not what I wanted. I knew something was wrong when we were in a conversation, like we always do at night, and you just had no interest in being sexy or sexting whatsoever. That hurt, honestly, not because I'm a skank or anything, but because I knew then that you really don't care anymore, and I felt like I was almost bothering you by texting you and trying to keep up a conversation with my boyfriend, even after he was the one who texted me first.
You know, I miss you so much though. I miss it when you would call me babe or baby, tell me I was beautiful and sexy. I miss it when you would kiss my forehead, hold my hand, kiss me like I was important to you and that you really, truly wanted to be with me. I keep thinking back to all of the amazing moments we've had in the past three months or so; every first we went through, and second and third and fourth and so on. We've been through too much for this to end this abruptly. Honestly, I think it hurts so much because over these past four years, and especially speeding up these past couple of months, I've been slowly falling in love with you, and I don't know how to express it, or how to truly feel it, or if it's even okay to feel this way, especially when you really don't want anything to do with me at the moment, or at least it seems that way at the moment. But if this is truly what I think it is, what I feel in my gut, what I think is love, I'm totally, utterly, completely, one hundred percent screwed. And that scares me.
Point made. I am broken.
Wanted: Someone to pick up all of my pieces and fix me.
I'm broken, like one of those toys your toddler has and breaks into a million pieces within hours of receiving said toy. And now, I feel like I've been tossed on the floor with the rest of your broken toys you don't have any use for anymore. But my heart, oh yes, that's still fully in tact, just suffering from a knife straight through it, like a dart through a water balloon. It continues to beat, attached to a life support set up system, barely holding on anymore.
I wonder to myself whether or not this is even worth it anymore; whether or not I should allow myself to let you break me down like you do so well. You know full well that I'm so vulnerable, with the rest of my world literally crashing down around be every second, yet you still take advantage of every single ounce of my vulnerability. The fact that we've been such good friends, so close all of these years, so close to relationships so many times and now that we're finally in one, it went from perfect to horrible in what feels like 2.5 seconds. Maybe I did something wrong that I don't even realize I did, because that seems to be a reoccurring pattern when it comes to loosing friends of mine, but I honestly can't think of one single thing I did wrong that would push you to the point of completely avoiding me for three whole days. I keep running every conversation through my mind, every moment lately we've been together, which hasn't been for two and a half weeks; but I keep racking my brain for these events where I could have done something significantly wrong to upset you or anger you, but I can't think of a single thing.
Maybe we were just honeymooners, with our honeymoon stage just passed quicker than I had hoped it would be. Did you get bored of me? It doesn't make any sense to me, because I did everything I thought you wanted me to do, because that made me happy. I tried so hard to be cute, to be playful and sexual with you, because for months, even years, that's all you wanted, even when that's not what I wanted. I knew something was wrong when we were in a conversation, like we always do at night, and you just had no interest in being sexy or sexting whatsoever. That hurt, honestly, not because I'm a skank or anything, but because I knew then that you really don't care anymore, and I felt like I was almost bothering you by texting you and trying to keep up a conversation with my boyfriend, even after he was the one who texted me first.
You know, I miss you so much though. I miss it when you would call me babe or baby, tell me I was beautiful and sexy. I miss it when you would kiss my forehead, hold my hand, kiss me like I was important to you and that you really, truly wanted to be with me. I keep thinking back to all of the amazing moments we've had in the past three months or so; every first we went through, and second and third and fourth and so on. We've been through too much for this to end this abruptly. Honestly, I think it hurts so much because over these past four years, and especially speeding up these past couple of months, I've been slowly falling in love with you, and I don't know how to express it, or how to truly feel it, or if it's even okay to feel this way, especially when you really don't want anything to do with me at the moment, or at least it seems that way at the moment. But if this is truly what I think it is, what I feel in my gut, what I think is love, I'm totally, utterly, completely, one hundred percent screwed. And that scares me.
Point made. I am broken.
Wanted: Someone to pick up all of my pieces and fix me.
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